day 1: swing the damn bat

on not bunting

Photo by Eduardo Balderas on Unsplash

Team - it’s been a few weeks since my last post.

Since I started writing again, I’ve changed this blog’s name three times and reconsidered what I should write about more than a dozen times.

to be frank. i was terrified to share the journey. i was worried i’d lose out on opportunities. i was afraid to let go truly. I had no idea what decision to make or what direction to choose.

i still don’t.

But for the first time in my professional life, two things are true: 1/ I’m unemployed, and 2/ I'm not in any interview processes.

The anxiety spikes just writing that.

what will they think? will they think i lost my mind? lost my edge? worse?

I’ve worked at 9 companies and had 14 different roles in 11 years since graduating. I’ve received well over 30 job offers. Getting jobs was my way of propping myself up and lowering my anxiety because if I had something on deck, I could fail/leave/screw up and have a backup plan.

For the first time, I have no backup plan. And in reality, I don’t even have a primary plan. And if you know me, you know what that is likely doing to me (cough, cough).

When I left my job as SVP of Sales at a high-growth startup based in the Bay Area on April 28th, I was already in 5 interview cycles. I ended up getting 4 of the jobs. I turned them all down.

None felt right, and for the first time, I listened to myself.

But it was so freaking hard. Still is.

My anxiety is higher than it has been in a long time. My brain is searching for an answer, and most moments I try to find one, but I’m getting slightly better at not doing that.

I feel like a significant part of me is dying and is desperately screaming for help.

Since leaving my job, I have had 83 meetings with execs and founders in Indianapolis and on the coasts. My goal was 30. To say I’m compulsive would be an understatement.

I thought that by having a ton of conversations, I’d learn what my passion was, but that hasn’t been the case.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned a lot and a lot of really interesting pathways have appeared, but I kept running back to the status of a job to soothe my anxiety about truly, once and for all, swinging for the f**king fences.

My whole life, I’ve been bunting. Little hits here and there to get on base. It’s kept the game alive, but deep down, I’ve always known I’d never feel authentic without stepping up to the plate and ripping it.

While I have had to pull myself, feet dragging, to the base. I’m here.

Will I swing the bat? I’m not sure, but I plan to document the journey.

1 post a day. Raw. Unfiltered musings on going from a high-status VP of Sales role at one of the top companies in the world to a 34 (soon to be 35) year old, fumbling my way to a more authentic way of living.

If that’s not for you, I get it. Feel free to unsubscribe. No hard feelings at all.

But if you are someone who may also feel that there is something deeper inside you that you’re not sure how to access, I’d love for you to join me.

Not at the end, when I brag about getting through, but from the beginning.

And if you think anyone else might be curious about the journey from high status to something more authentic, please share this with them below.

As I always used to tell my sales teams, you build something great brick by brick.

I’ve never had to lay the first brick. Here goes nothing.

with gratitude,

foley